Once again Yeaman received a film before the rest of the world and sometimes it’s a blessing but sometimes it’s like what you say when you wake up before 7 with a hangover and stub your toe on the toilet and pee your pants: a curse. i know y’all don’t believe me but that’s cool, i don’t believe me either, so here’s the repository proof.
Ramblings: More Hot Air
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you get drunk on the Titanic? There’s tons of activities to do but nothing all that new because shuffleboard on a boat is like shuffleboard not on a boat and the novelty wears off faster than you can finish your bottle of beer so it encourages you to drink faster but even the beer goggles don’t hide the sight you see that your trip is a series of romances and fights that are absolutely no different than the romances and fights you have when you’re not on a sinking boat. Of course the ending of a binge on the Titanic is traumatic but after the boredom leading up to the disaster you’re glad for the excitement the shipwreck will bring. That’s what Pompeii is like.
Fire Works
All you need to know about this flick is the pitch the producers threw up on the studio: Pompeii is Gladiator meets Titanic for kids too young to remember either. They should have named this Gladick.
The first thing i thought when i sat down in my seat in the front row was if my homeless nemesis was going to sit down next to me. He didn’t. So the next thing i thought was, are they going to do the eruption at the beginning or the end of the movie and, if it’s at the end, what are they gonna do for the first hour?
“How you doin’?”
Y’all are too young to remember but in the 1970s disaster movies were a big thing. The Towering Inferno, The Poseidon Adventure, Earthquake… were awesome because they started out with 10 brief minutes of exposition to introduce the characters and then the action would kick in high gear, starting with a nice display of disaster and then the heroes suffering through it and the aftermath. That’s a fucking movie right there and Pompeii would’ve been a hell of a lot better if that was the route it had taken.
“There goes the neighborhood.”
But no. They decided to save the eruption for the end and guess what, it wasn’t much of a surprise ending because we know what the fuck was coming from the beginning by looking at the poster. What they decided to fill it with was a poor slave gladiator who fights his way through the ranks and impresses a rich benefactor who takes him to Pompeii, where the poor slave falls in love with a rich young woman. Imagine Gladiator takes a trip on the Titanic and you’ve written this movie.
Still, it’s easy enough for me to be hard on this movie as i’m nowhere near it’s target market. Pompeii is looking to spew on teens and not on those of us who enjoy movies.
Hot Piece of Ash
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 shots
“Here comes the lava, but you first.”
You know what kind of sex we had? One kiss. Swear to god, there was only one kiss and, like everything else even remotely interesting about this film, it’s on the fucking poster.
- Mother [Rebecca Eady as Milo's Mother] killed at the beginning [and is hot]
- Browning’s assistant [Jessica Lucas as Ariadne] [is hot]
Drink: 0 shots
“Soon we’ll be doing chalice stands and goose lip self portraits!”
It’s the Vinalia, Milady. The streets are blocked with drunkards.
- Wine in goblets at festival
- Kiefer Stherland Senator wants to drink wine to seal the deal [with Cassia / Emily Browning's father]
Terrible waste of good wine.
Cool black gladiator cleans Milo’s wounds with wine
Rock & Roll: 3 shots
The music was almost as unremarkable as the the action. The action they did have was a lot of gladiator fights and i was too lazy to note every one of them in my notes, so what follows is a brief summary. Still, might as well say it here, the CGI was super well done and was probably the best part of the film.
Swinging in the Rain
- Short battle against rebels
- A short gladiator battle
- Slave fights are the hobo fights of 65 AD
- Long battle in arena
- Volcano eruption lasts last 20 minutes
Boring Technical Crap
When the shit hits the fan
Written by:
Janet Scott Batchler
Lee Batchler
Julian Fellowes
Michael Robert Johnson
Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson
Starring
Emily Browning – Cassia
Carrie-Anne Moss – Aurelia
Jessica Lucas – Ariadne
Rebecca Eady – Milo’s Mother
Kit Harington – Milo
Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje – Atticus
Kiefer Sutherland – Corvus
Bottom Line
Playing “hot lava” in the living room is more fun.
“Let’s exchange dresses later on.”
How “Dark Ages” got the name
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